A day in the life of a stay at home mom

-Wow. I have been trying to write this post for over a week now. My children are soooo needy… they want attention allll the time. It’s like mom is trying to write a blog here, go destroy your room like a normal child. Should have taken this into consideration before I started a blog.-

I am going to tell you about what I do all day. Wooooo. Not because teaching my daughter the importance of wiping your butt good the first time, so it doesnt itch later, is overly interesting. But so I can make my husband read it and make him feel bad for me. -Just kidding! I have one of those magical husbands that genuinely appreciates me for being a stay at home mom.-

My day starts off around 7 am, I have the world’s cutest and most annoying alarm clock. Which I am pretty sure is broken because it also woke me up at midnight, 2 am, 4 am, and 5 am. Most people would say just return it and get a new one, but seeing as it’s my 6 week old son, that’s kinda frowned upon. I honestly think that if anyone tried to torture a mom with sleep deprevation would probably get to day 3 and the mom would be like, if you put the same episode of Super Why on repeat it really adds something to it. Then the torture people would be all ‘let’s try pain’ and the mom would just laughhh and laughhh. Oh no hun, I gave birth and then had to use the bathroom after. You got nothinnnn.

Anyways, some how I manage to get my sleep starved body out of bed and get a diaper. Honestly, not sure how I do this every morning. Wipe the spattered gunk out of his butt crack and lay back down to feed him. Every morning I tell myself the same lie: I’m going to get go back to sleep.

Right about now is when my daughter runs into my room. “The suns up! It’s morning time!” In case you’re wondering about her tone of voice when she says this… it’s nails on a chalkboard.

I throw on my robe and bring the kids into the family room. This part of the day is pretty chaotic. The baby is normally crying, my daughter is bouncing off the walls, and my labador, Red, is in his crate ready to be let out. Let Red outside, after he knocks the 3 year old over because he is so excited to see her. Console the 3 year old. Call dog back inside, hoping he did his business cause I wasn’t looking. Set the baby down long enough to go make myself some coffee and my daughter some breakfast. My daughter argues that she should be eating candy for breakfast, not cereal. Then, goes on to inform me that ‘ Welll, Grandpa gives me candy’. Thanks Dad.

Back to the crying baby, who had just calmed down until the dog slighty bumped his rocker thingy. Set coffee down and pick the baby up. Kid looks hungry again, so I pop a boob in his mouth and he shuts up.

My coffee is now gone. I scolded my mouth finishing it in 3 gulps, but my mouth has  toughen up ever since I brought home a newborn.

My toddler and 8 month old puppy are running around family room. All over the couch that my husband keeps yelling at my daughter not to jump on. At this point I’m still half asleep so I don’t have the energy to back up his rules.

I get up to pop in a movie, hoping it will calm down this mini tornado. It doesn’t. But can’t turn it off because “heyyyyy I was watching that!”. No you weren’t. You were watching barbie Elsa fly through the air and hit the dog in the head. I just leave it on and start fantasizing about how quiet my house will be at nap time.

They look soooo innocent .

The baby is now asleep in my arms. I try to lay him down but kid refuses to sleep unless he is right next to me. So, I pick him back up and try to rock him back to sleep. At this point I’m scrolling through facebook, just to see another mom friend post something like “Cherish this moment with your child because they grow up so fast. The dishes can wait.”. I can’t help but roll my eyes. I cherish my kids and all… but the dishes have been waiting for a couple days now and it smells. This also reminds me of don’t let your kids watch to much t.v. or feed your kids real food. They leave out the parts where you haven’t slept right in weeks and how the kids will somehow siphon energy out of you and use it to fuel their destruction of your home. People have all sorts of opinions on how to be the perfect parents but to acomplish that I’d have to be four people or a robot.

The next few hours are filled with me yelling ‘get off the dog’ and oh God, he puked right down my shirt, so much puke. By now, I’m on my 4th veiwing of Madagascar 3 today and I would love to down half a bottle of vodak to make this movie even a little bit more entertaining. The whole breast is best and being a responsible parent thing is really getting in the way of my imaginary drinking problem. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good movie.. the first 5 times I watched. Now, it’s just mind numbing.

But good news after my daughter finishs her turkey, crackers, and apple sauce, it’s nap time! Ahhh, but of course, it takes 50 minutes to get her to take one bite of each thing before I give up and tuck her in.

Buttttttttt wait, forgot the water. She cannot go to bed without water.

Buttttttttt waittt, didn’t cuddle long enough before leaving the room. And didn’t rub her back and sing her night night song.  Which she just turned down the first time I put her down for a nap.

Buttttttt waittttttt, she wants hugs and kisses one more time.

Finally, she is sort of just laying there singing to herself. Close enough. Cause the other kid has been crying the whole time this has been going on because he is hungry. Sit down to nurse and watch an episode of Grimm.

When he is done and asleep, I lay him back down. Around this time I usually start getting cocky. I made it to 1 pm and I haven’t gone insane yet. I can totally make myself some lunch because I only had 4 almonds for breakfast. Not because I’m on a funky diet but because the instant oatmeal I tried to make earlier is sitting in its unopened package on the counter.

Maybe I can sneak in a lunch beer too!

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Right about the time I sit down for lunch is when my son realizes he isn’t being held anymore.

I’ve been nursing and holding him all morning, you’d think he’d be sick of me. But I am pretty awesome. I’d want to cuddle with me too…So I try to eat last nights heated up pasta while he nurses himself back to sleep.

Sometime around 2:30 the 3 year old awakens. Yayyyy…

I figure now is a good time to turn on some Queen and try to get a work out in. Lay my son down for some tummy time and tell my daughter it’s time to dance.

I’m just trying to do push ups to We Will Rock You but my daughter thinks I’m playing a game. She keeps trying to crawl under me. My arm fat is not a game child.

After all that excitement is over, I attempt to do dishes and get dinner ready. My husband won’t be home for another 2 hours but thats how long it take to cook anything with two small children. To get any of this done, I put my baby in my wrap carrier which he falls asleep in almost instantly. Then I proceed to trip over my toddler and dog as I hand wash all the dishes, because we don’t have a dishwasher. Yes, it does suck as much as you think it does.

Finally, I start on dinner. Which my daughter tells me she doesnt want to eat the whole time I’m making it. She has a melt down until I turn on her show and kick her out of the kitchen. Right in the middle of cooking is when my baby wakes up pissed off and hungry.

After a bit my husband comes home. My hero. Hand him the baby and try to salvage our supper. Now, where is that lunch beer…

-Cat 🐾

Turkey hunting with my hubby

I have decided  to take a step back from talking about mommy stuff for a minute. I know what you’re thinking, but Cat you tell such entertaining stories about your boobs! .. it’s okay everyone, there will be more to come.

But for right now, in honor of the month of November, I am going to tell you all about my adventurous turkey hunt with my hubs. I know, it’s a big jump… even Captain Underpants would get a wedgie. But I’m trying to be in the hunting spirit because it’s Kansas. In Kansas, it’s hunting season… for the rest of the world, it’s holiday season. At least in our house it is. Just bare with me, this will make you giggle.

*I should mention this was the first time we ever went hunting together.*

So, he had woken me up at No One Should Be Awake At This Fuckin’ Hour o’clock and for whatever reason, he was annoyingly awake. We drove an hour to get to our hunting spot and along the way my husband reminded me to not slam the door after I got out of the truck. I got it, I got it. When we got there, I hopped out of the truck and shut the door…. Apparently, a little too loudly. “I told you not to slam the door!” .. We must have different definitions of the word slam.

After that little spout, I put on my brand new camo that I had found on sale at Cabelas:

Where’d I go??

Only problem with my brand new camo is that it’s meant for the rain. So, imagine trying to be stealthy in a rain coat. Just on the walk to the spot where we were going to hunt, my husband must have turned around 5 times to tell me to be quiet. I coulda smacked him, what did he want me to do float to the spot? Good thing I was behind him, he probably wouldn’t have enjoyed my sign language.. even though I’m really good at it.

We finally get to our spot.. I should mention this fun fact about turkeys; they have really good eyesight. Which means you have to sit really still and be quiet. Oh, but wait, it gets even more fun.

My husband, who just got through with telling me to be quiet, starts farting. We are sitting right next to each other and I can’t help it, I start gagging. These aren’t your casual toots. These farts have been brewing for a couple of days. So, after choking on my husband’s butthole fumes for 20 minutes (which I’m pretty sure I have minor brain damage from), I break my silence and whisper,  ” I thought we were supposed to be quiet!”.. his response, ” Sounds of nature baby”. He thought he was real funny.

After the air has cleared, we hear some gobbling off in the distance. My husband decides that now would be a good time to start calling the turkeys in. * Fun fact: a turkey call is supposed to sound like a hen. So basically you’re  trying to lure the dudes in by trying convince them that they are going to get some. Which just seems rude to me, but wild turkey is delicious … so whatever works.

He does his turkey call. I whisper to him ” What if in turkey language you just said ‘My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving’ and the Toms don’t want to come to us cause they think we are psychotic?”. –Which seeing as we didn’t end up killing a turkey that day, I’m thinking is probably what he ended up calling out.–

Then, all the sudden, we hear another lady turkey call out. We will call her Becky, because that name just makes you want to roll your eyes and say ‘what did the bitch do this time’. So now we are in turkey call war with Becky. Except she is trying to get laid and we are trying to get some dinner. We can hear the gobbles of the tom turkey’s  getting further away. I tell my husband ” Sound sluttier, damn it!”. He responses with “I’m sounding as slutty as I can!”.

“Just tell them that she has turkey AIDs.” I say jokingly. But, it’s too late. Our supper has run away to hang out with that bitch Becky.

We decide to call it a day and head back to the truck. Even though I got gassed out and we didn’t get anything, we still had a really good time.

One day, I will have to tell you about the times we have gone deer hunting. Still trying to convince my husband to let me write about what happened. Apparently, it’s “inappropriate”  and “people I know read this”. I have a feeling he will break down and give me the go ahead though.. I hope.

Damn. We are soooo adorable.

-Cat 🐾

Let’s talk about Boobie Juice

So I sent my little blog out to a few friends and family… they all said they loved it. But they also love me, so they’re the ones that would have to clean my shattered confidence off the ground if they said it was bad. I guess we are supposed to take those compliments with a grain of salt, right? Ehh.. I’ll just take it as I’m  super fabulous and funny.. instead just sarcastic and ..fabulous… really? I haven’t changed out of these pjs for 2 days now.. you can decide how fabulous that makes me..

Well, what should I write about today? I guess breastfeeding.. because the first thing my husband said when I told him about starting a blog was, in a half paying attention voice “Let me guess, it’s about breastfeeding.”

–I told him I do other things during the day besides breastfeed.. I also yell at my 3-year-old to stop hitting the dog. I’m a very productive member of society, I swear.–

Back to breastfeeding.. honestly, I’m no expert. BUT I have failed miserably with my first kid and have had 4 weeks of breastfeeding bliss with my 1 month old baby. Let me tell ya.. you really see all the mistakes you made with your first kid once you have another one. Kind of makes me want to start a therapy fund for her when she is older instead of a college fund… only half funny… but seriously thinking about it..

So boobie milk. Making it and getting it into the child may seem umm.. natural is the word everyone likes to use, let’s go with that. Except it sucks because not everything in nature is sweet and nice. Take it from someone who grew up in Florida and has witnessed hurricanes rip apart their neighbors houses. Wait… Did I just compare hurricanes to breastfeeding? Well if you are having a hard time then you might agree with me… I guess we could go over a couple of mistakes I made the first time around and it might make you feel better about not being the only mom in the world to suck at breastfeeding.

When I had my Daughter I was 18 going on 19.. and no, she wasn’t the mistake. Unplanned is a better word, because mistake.. well, I just don’t have enough money in her therapy fund to EVER use that word to describe my little girl.. Being a young mother with no friends with any experience to ask advice from, meant I had no idea what I was doing. I tried my best but the only advice given to me around that time was that I should be going to college to better myself. Not exactly helpful advice because a community college English class doesn’t teach you anything about breastfeeding.

One of the biggest mistakes that led to the demise of my first breastfeeding experience: Pacifiers. I gave my kid a pacifier within an hour of being born. Of course it shut her up, but does it feed her? No. Some  kids like to cluster feed (something I didn’t know with my first kid) and that I was probably missing feedings by pacifying her with a pacifier. Oh and the nipple confusion… Nipple confusion is a BITCH to deal with. My daughter would suck way to aggressively  (that was if I could get the kid to latch). Now, I’m not saying skip the pacifier all together.. just saying give it a week or two so the kid can learn how to boob first.

The second mistake I made was not starting Lanolin from the beginning. What I should have done was pop that baby out and immediately apply this magical nipple cream.. well maybe not that fast but you get the point. Don’t  wait til you are bleeding to start and always put some on before you pump. Once your titties have been toughened up, then you can relax a bit on the preventive measures.

Now for the problem I am having currently 🎉🎉🎉 *wooooooo*… I have a heavy milk let down.. not kidding. It’s  ridiculous. For those of you who don’t  know what that is, it’s when your milk gets all loosey goosey and starts a flowin’. The plan is for the milk to be going into the babe’s mouth, but most of the time it gets  all over your shirt and bra. For most women it’s a dribble.. mine is more like a sprinkler head. My husband  freaked out the first time I showed him milk shooting out of 5 different holes. Exact quote ” I could have gone my whole life without ever seeing your boobs do that”. Meanwhile, I am in the kitchen, getting milk all over everything saying ” My boobs are like milk squirt guns! Pew, Pew!” – We have fun 😊-  Even without my milk letting down I can still get milk to shoot out if I pinch my nipple. It’s great for when my hubby and I are arguing.*Squirt. You’ve been shot.. I win!*

Back to the heavy let down being a problem.. the baby can’t  really handle all that milk shooting off in his mouth. He will unlatch and cough, so then we have to wait for milk to calm its tits and try again. Doesn’t  happen all the time but enough to be inconvenient. That’s pretty much the only issue I have with having an over-supply of milk.

*Helpful tip for a good milk supply: Nurse when ever your baby needs to eat or gets fussy. Even your basic high school economics class goes over supply and demand.. same concept; baby demands milk and your body supplies the milk ( most of the time). That is how I avoided not having a good milk supply my second time around. Now I can pump a solid 8 ozs in 13 minutes and still be able to get more out. I should really hit up the dairy farms and show ole Bessie a thing or two about how to pump out some milk. 🐄

Moo Moo

I feel like I should give an inspiring send off  for the struggling moms, like don’t give up because it gets better or whatever. I’ve  read a lot of blogs on breastfeeding and they all say something similar. Sometimes you need more than reassurance from a stranger that things will get better. What you really need is 8 hours of sleep and someone who won’t  be shy about talking about your  boobs and boobie related issues. Feel free to ask me anything, I will do my best to help you or if you don’t want to come to me, kellymom.com is my favorite site for breastfeeding info. They do their research on tons of breastfeeding issues.

Well, for the moment that’s  all I have to say on breastfeeding. I have a feeling you might have thought TMI a couple of times during this post. But, if you can  handle watching a sex scene in a movie you’re watching with your parents, then you can handle reading about breastfeeding. 😉

-Cat

Testing .. testing..

First blog entry here.. Can’t really promise this will become anything special. Mostly because of having 2 young kids.

^ Yeah those 3 sentences took 10 mins to write because I kept getting interrupted by my wonderful newborn son. Not his fault though.. poor kid has a breast milk addiction. I know, I know.. I took him to the doctor and apparently wanting to eat every 30 minutes is good for his health and he doesn’t need to be checked into baby rehab. –Which is great cause all they do there is let them cry it out until they get on a every 2 hour feeding schedule like those “normal” babies you read about in parenting books–  Now, if I could only do something about his hatred for bottles.. he only likes it straight from the source … *cue feminist eyeroll* men. 

Anyyyywayyss, sorry I babble sometimes. Hence the adorable name of the blog.

You may be wondering; Why did she start this blog? Does she have anything important and groundbreaking to say? ( The answer to the last one is probably not. Boom. Saved myself a paragraph.)

I’m starting this little blog because I am bored. Cause keeping 2 small children alive as a job is rewarding and sweet… but mostly  boring. Probably wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t  live in a dinky little town called No Where That Matters, Kansas. No family or friends around, just us. 😧

So, I guess I will start taking people’s advice and get a hobby. I thought maybe baking but I just had a kid.. so you know I’m half ass dieting and lying about how much exercising I do to try to get the weight off. Figure I shouldn’t add excessive sugar consumption to the mix.

I also tried couponing.. cause that seemed like a very Mommy thing to do. Got really good at it but stopped after buying my 75th bottle of shampoo and realized that I might have a problem.

— Please if you are suffering from a couponing addiction, get some help. Some symptoms may include:

* binge  watching Extreme Couponing

* blowing off date night to go to Target to see if they got anymore of that Oxi Clean in stock ( cause sooomeee bitch keeps clearing the shelf … I might still be mad about that 😒)

* Giving family members 100 boxes of cake mix because you have to move and can’t take it all with you –my Mother-in-law loves me just a little bit more for that 😉 (still writing it whether or not its true, Annette)–

And remember if you’re related to someone who doesn’t want to quit just yet, try not to judge them and just  enjoy the stock pile gift baskets you get at Christmas time.

But I digress…

So here I am. Trying to blog. Horrible spelling and grammar skills and all.. hope this turns out better than that time I tried to learn to crochet..

-Cat