I have decided to take a step back from talking about mommy stuff for a minute. I know what you’re thinking, but Cat you tell such entertaining stories about your boobs! .. it’s okay everyone, there will be more to come.
But for right now, in honor of the month of November, I am going to tell you all about my adventurous turkey hunt with my hubs. I know, it’s a big jump… even Captain Underpants would get a wedgie. But I’m trying to be in the hunting spirit because it’s Kansas. In Kansas, it’s hunting season… for the rest of the world, it’s holiday season. At least in our house it is. Just bare with me, this will make you giggle.
*I should mention this was the first time we ever went hunting together.*
So, he had woken me up at No One Should Be Awake At This Fuckin’ Hour o’clock and for whatever reason, he was annoyingly awake. We drove an hour to get to our hunting spot and along the way my husband reminded me to not slam the door after I got out of the truck. I got it, I got it. When we got there, I hopped out of the truck and shut the door…. Apparently, a little too loudly. “I told you not to slam the door!” .. We must have different definitions of the word slam.
After that little spout, I put on my brand new camo that I had found on sale at Cabelas:
Only problem with my brand new camo is that it’s meant for the rain. So, imagine trying to be stealthy in a rain coat. Just on the walk to the spot where we were going to hunt, my husband must have turned around 5 times to tell me to be quiet. I coulda smacked him, what did he want me to do float to the spot? Good thing I was behind him, he probably wouldn’t have enjoyed my sign language.. even though I’m really good at it.
We finally get to our spot.. I should mention this fun fact about turkeys; they have really good eyesight. Which means you have to sit really still and be quiet. Oh, but wait, it gets even more fun.
My husband, who just got through with telling me to be quiet, starts farting. We are sitting right next to each other and I can’t help it, I start gagging. These aren’t your casual toots. These farts have been brewing for a couple of days. So, after choking on my husband’s butthole fumes for 20 minutes (which I’m pretty sure I have minor brain damage from), I break my silence and whisper, ” I thought we were supposed to be quiet!”.. his response, ” Sounds of nature baby”. He thought he was real funny.
After the air has cleared, we hear some gobbling off in the distance. My husband decides that now would be a good time to start calling the turkeys in. * Fun fact: a turkey call is supposed to sound like a hen. So basically you’re trying to lure the dudes in by trying convince them that they are going to get some. Which just seems rude to me, but wild turkey is delicious … so whatever works.
He does his turkey call. I whisper to him ” What if in turkey language you just said ‘My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving’ and the Toms don’t want to come to us cause they think we are psychotic?”. –Which seeing as we didn’t end up killing a turkey that day, I’m thinking is probably what he ended up calling out.–
Then, all the sudden, we hear another lady turkey call out. We will call her Becky, because that name just makes you want to roll your eyes and say ‘what did the bitch do this time’. So now we are in turkey call war with Becky. Except she is trying to get laid and we are trying to get some dinner. We can hear the gobbles of the tom turkey’s getting further away. I tell my husband ” Sound sluttier, damn it!”. He responses with “I’m sounding as slutty as I can!”.
“Just tell them that she has turkey AIDs.” I say jokingly. But, it’s too late. Our supper has run away to hang out with that bitch Becky.
We decide to call it a day and head back to the truck. Even though I got gassed out and we didn’t get anything, we still had a really good time.
One day, I will have to tell you about the times we have gone deer hunting. Still trying to convince my husband to let me write about what happened. Apparently, it’s “inappropriate” and “people I know read this”. I have a feeling he will break down and give me the go ahead though.. I hope.